454SS Humor

LM's 454SS potential buyer's questionnaire:

Oil Changing Instructions For Men and Women

WOMEN:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

MEN:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands.
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car

Me AND MY ROD

By: Gary Savage
saveagegary@netscape.net

I was driving my Geo Metro last night. Three cylinders of asphalt-tearing terror on fourteen-inch rims. It's stock, alright, nothing done to it, but it pushes the barely washed car around with AUTHORITY. I'm always catching mopeds and 18-wheelers by surprise...

I was headed back from Baskin Robbins with my manly triple-latte cappuccino blast "No Cinnamon, ma'am, I take it BLACK", when I stopped at a streetlight. As the Geo throbbed its throaty idle around me, I sipped my bold beverage and wiped the white froth my stiff upper lip.

I was minding my own business, but then I heard a rev from the next lane. I turned, made eye contact, then let my eyes trace over the competition. A late model Ford Festiva, could be trouble, I thought. Low profile tires, curb feelers, and school bus-yellow paint. Yep, a hot rod, for sure.

The howl of his motor snapped my reverie, and I looked back into the driver's eyes, nodded, then blipped my own throttle. As I tugged on my driving gloves and slipped on my sunglasses (gotta look cool to be fast, and I am *damn* cool, hence...), the night was split with the sound of three screaming cylinders...Then the light turned... I almost had him out of the hole; my three pounding cylinders thrusting me at least a millimeter back into my seat, as smoke pouring from my rear tires... my differential was letting me down! I saw in the corner of my eyes, a yellow snout gaining, and I heard the roar of his four cylinders. He slung by me, rear wheels juddering against the pavement, and he flashed me a smile as his .7 extra liters of motor stretched its legs.

I kept my foot gamely in it, though, waiting for the CHECK ENGINE light to blink on in the one-gauge (no tachometer here!) instrument panel. I saw a glimpse of chrome under his bumper, and knew the ugly truth... He was running a custom exhaust! Probably a 2-into-1 dual exhaust... maybe even cutouts! Damn his hot-rod soul! The old lady passing us on the crosswalk cast a dirty look in our boy-racer direction... Yet still I persisted, with my three pumping cylinders singing a heady high-pitched song wound fully out though only a few handfuls of seconds had passed, we were nearing the crosswalk at the other side of the intersection and I heard the note of his engine change as he made his shift to second and I saw his grin in his rearview mirror fade as he missed the shift!

I rocketed by, shifting, and nursed the clutch gently in to keep from bogging, keeping my motor spinning hot and pulling me ahead, now trailing a cloud of stinking clutch smoke. Not ready to give up so easily, he left his foot in it, revving, and I heard one wheel *almost* chirp as he finally found second and dropped the clutch. We careened over the crosswalk, now going at least 15 miles per hour. A bicyclist passed us, but intent on the race as we were, neither of us batted an eye. He pulled slowly abreast of me, and neck and neck, we made the shift to third, the scream of motors deafening all pedestrians within a five-foot circle. He nosed ahead as we passed 30 miles an hour, then eased in front of me, taunting, as we shifted into fourth. I was staring up the dual 6" chrome tips of his exhaust, snarling, my cappuccino forgotten, as he lifted a little to take the next corner. I saw my opportunity, and counting on the innate agility of my trusty steed, I pulled wide into the number two lane and kept my foot buried in carpet.

Slowly, I inched around him, feeling my Geo roll slowly to the left as I came abreast in the midst of this gradual sweeping turn. I felt the Geo ease onto its suspension stops, and felt the right rear wheel slowly leave the ground -
no matter, though, because my drive wheels, were pulling me through the corner, and around the Festiva ... The Ford driver beat his wheel in rage as my Geo eased past him on the outside, my 185/80R14's screaming in protest, as we raced to the next light. We coasted down, neck-and neck, to the red light. I tightened my driving gloves, ready for another round, when this WIMP in the next car meekly flipped his turn signal and made a right.

Chevy superiority reigns!!! I drove off sipping my masculine drink, awash in my sheer virility, looking for other unwitting targets.... Perhaps a Yugo, or maybe even a S-10.

STICK ME WILL YA!

A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:

RICHARDS CATTLE CO.

• Basic cow: 499.95
• Shipping and handling: 35.75
• Extra stomach: 79.25
• Two tone exterior: 142.10
• Produce storage compartment: 126.50
• Heavy duty straw chopper: 189.60
• Four spigot/high output drain system: 149.20
• Automatic fly swatter: 88.50
• Genuine cowhide upholstery: 179.90
• Deluxe dual horns: 59.25
• Automatic fertilizer attachment: 339.40
• 4 x 4 traction drive assembly: 884.16
• Pre-delivery wash and comb: 69.80

Why dont you drive with your wife?

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place .....

The man says: What's the problem officer?

Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir. I was going 65.

Wife: Oh, Harry. Your were going 80!

(Man gives his wife a dirty look)

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail Light!

Wife: Oh, Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: turns to his wife and yells - "Shut your damn mouth!"

Officer turns to the woman and asks: "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife: No, only when he's been drinking."

Complete Acronym listing
Note: some of these may be offensive

Acura: Awful,Crappy,Unreliable, Rusty Automobile Acura: Automobile Causes Universal Road Accidents Acura: All Cars Usually Require Adjustment Acura: Another Case of a Useless Requested Acronym? Audi: Accelerates Under Demonic Influence Beetle: Battered Everywhere, Expect To Lose Engine BMW: Beastly Monstrous Wonder BMW: Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels BMW: Beautiful Mechanical Wonder BMW: Big Money Works BMW: Blasphemous Motorized Wreck BMW: Born Moderately Wealthy. BMW: Break My Windows BMW: Broken Money Waster BMW: Broken Monstrous Wonder BMW: Brutal Money Waster BMW: Bumbling Mechanical Wretch BMW: Big Money Waster BMW: Blasphemized Motorized Wreck BMW: Bowel Movement Wagon (Bowdlerized term for Shitmobile) Buick: Big Ugly Import Car Killer Buick: Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer Camaro: Can't America Make A Real One? Camaro: Cool American Made Automobile, Runs Outstanding Chevrolet: Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips. Chevorlet: Crappy Hot-Running Engines, Very Rusted Out, Lose Every Time Chevy: Cheapest Heap Ever enVisioned Yet Chrysler: Car Having Really Yucky Stupid Lazy Engine Runs Chrysler: Could Have Remained Your Sickly Lame Elderly Relative's Citroen: Crap Interior Terrible Road-holding Owned Entirely by Nutters Dodge: Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter Dodge: Drips Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere Ford: F* over rebuilt Dodge Ford: F* Only Runs Downhill Ford: F* on Race Day Ford: F* Old, Retarded Drivers Ford: F* Over-Rated Disaster Ford: F* Out-Right Dangerous Ford: First On Recall Day Ford: First on race day Ford: Fix Or Repair Daily Ford: Flip Over Read Directions Ford: For Old Retired Dudes Ford: Found on road dead Ford: Found On Roadside Dump Ford: F* Owner Real Dumb!! Ford: (backwards) Driver Returns On Foot Ford: F***** Old Recycled Dodge Ford: Fear of racing Dodge GM: Garbage Makers GM: General Mistake GM: Generous Motors GM: Grungy Merchandise GMC: Garage Man's Companion GMC: Generally Mediocre Cars GMC: Get More Chicks GMC: Got More Crap GMC: Got Mechanic Coming Honda: Helping Out Nips Destroying America Honda: How Odd-No Damn Acceleration Honda: Hold Overs Not Doing Anything Honda: Horrendously Overpriced New Driving Apparatus Jeep: Junk Eletrical and Emissions Parts Jeep: Jump Excitedly in Every Pothole. Jeep: Just Everyone Elses Parts Jeep: Junk Everyone Eyes for Parts Jeep: Jinxed Engine has Extra Parts Jeep: Jumps Everything Ever Parked Mazda: Model All Zoids Drive Aimlessly Mazda: Making A Zillion Dollars Annually Mopar: Most Often Passed At Races Mopar: Mostly Old Parts And Rust Mopar: Mostly Old Paint And Rust Mopar: Move Over Power Approaching Rapidly Mopar: Mitsubishi's Over Priced American Replicars Mopar: Mutilates Other Products At Races Nissan: Now In Some Shitty Automobile Nightmare Nissan: Nasty Import Sucks Savings Away to Nippon Oldsmobile: Oh Look Dammit, Some Massive Oil Burning Idiot's Leaking Everything Oldsmobile: Old Loose Dented Sheet Metal Outdated By Infamies Like Edsel Pinto: Put In New Transmission Often Plymouth: Please Leave Your Money Out Under The Hood Pontiac: Poor Old Nitwit Thinks Its A Cadilliac Porsche: Puts Out Really Smoky Carbonate Hazardous Emissions Porsche: Phased Out Racer-Still Can't Hold Engine Porsche: Please Overlook Really Sh*tty Cardboard Horrible Engine Porsche: Pulled Over Regularly So Cops Have Enough Renault: Retarded Engine No Acceleration Ugly Lump of Trash SAAB: Swedish Automobile - Always Broken

Have A Spare?

A blonde woman is driving a Porsche. She sees
another blonde woman with a Porsche that has
broken down on the side of the road. She stops to
ask what's wrong. The owner of the broken Porsche
said, 'I just had a look under the hood, well,
while I was driving somebody had stolen the engine.'
The other said, 'Oh, don't wory, I have a spare
one in the trunk of my Porsche.

Bank Loan

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his 454ss to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken back, requested collateral.

"Well, then, here are the keys to my 454ss" the man said.

The loan officer promptly had the truck driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his Truck back.

"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in Interest" the loan officer said.

The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "While you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my 454ss in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

Driving School Questions And Answers

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?

A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember whenbacking your car?

A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?

A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?

A: Be too Drunk to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?

A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?

A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?

A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?

A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

A: Carry loaded weapons.

How to tell where a driver is from

One hand on the wheel, one hand on the horn:
Chicago

One hand on the wheel, one finger out window:
New York

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator:
Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator:
California

With gun in lap:
L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror:
Ohio, but driving in California

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat:
Italy

Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel:
Las Vegas

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:
West Virginia

Two hands on wheel, driving forty-five in a seventy mph zone in the left lane, with the right turn signal on, and making a right turn:
Miami

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game:
Seattle

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car:
Colorado

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush and rat-tail comb to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment:
Texas, Female

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road:
Texas, Country, Male

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake throwing a McDonalds bag out the window:
Texas, City, Male

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter:
Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plates.

GM Helpdesk may I help you?

Recently, Bill gates compared the computer industry with the Auto industry saying if GM had kept up with technology like Microsoft we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1000 miles per gallon.

It didn't take GM long to reply with it's own press release.
Here's what they had to say:

• For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day!
• Occasionally your could would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this and restart it and drive on.
• Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
• Occasionally, and for no reason at all, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously, lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna!
• You'd have to press the start button to shut off the engine!
• Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times faster, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads!
• Every time they repainted the lines on the road you'd have to buy a new car.
• Only one person at a time could use your car unless you bought CarNT
• It would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary) even though you don't want or need them and attempting to delete this "option" would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more, Moreover, would then become a target for investigation by the justice department!!!!!!
  Make's ya think, huh???

Bungie Ride

This guy is about to drive his 454SS up a long hill when an old man on a bicycle rides up and leans on the truck. The old guy says, "Do you think this heep can make it up that hill?" The driver yells back, "I'll race you up" as he floors the accelerator. About 1/2 way up the hill he looks back and to his surprise sees the old guy on the bike keeping a constant 20 feet behind him. Not believing his eyes he stops and the old cyclist shoots past him to the top of the hill. The old guy turns 180 degrees and races straight toward the truck. BANG the bike slams into the front of the 454SS. Shocked the driver jumps out of his 454SS and yells to the old man,"Are you hurt, is there anything I can do?". To which the old man replies, "Yea, unhook my suspenders from your mirror!"

Ladies Day

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?
Ma'am, the officer replies, You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit?
No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour! the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok?
The women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a singlepeep this whole time." the officer asks.
Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.

The Big Bust

A highway patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00! The patrolman was dumbfounded! "This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the patrolman. "I doubt it," said the man. Tonight I'm the Designated Decoy.

IS it a real 454SS?

HOW CAN YOU TELL A REAL 454SS
A.Its put up for winters (no sence in wasting gas sliding
on ice and snow, we claim the weather is to hard on it)

B. That decal in the back window with the little guy doing
bad things to the blue oval, with FORD on it.


C. The other decal that proclaims the owner of truck to be
a member of N.A.T.C.

D. The busted steering column and out side door handle (made
by a wana-be 454SS owner)

E.The lack of tread on the rear tires and the owner telling
you they were on the front when the truck needed a alinement.

F.Your non automotive freinds saying " Gosh Ill bet it will
pass anything but a gas station"

G. Your girl freind or wife saying, "why dont you sleep with
the @#$%^ thing"

Does any of this sound familiar.Then its a real 454SS!

Famous last words

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a they had
funded with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years.

The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were
installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort
to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15
seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of
drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the State of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words
were, "Hey, hold my beer and watch this!"